I wasn’t invited by name (ACCORDING TO THE STATE OF MURRLIN, I HAVE NO NAME!) to participate but I decided to any-damn-way. Adara finna crash the party.
1. People Who Can’t Read Body Language: Now, I completely understand that you shouldn’t have to “sense” what people are feeling, they should just tell you. However, we live in a world where nobody ever does what they should be doing; real niggas are aware of this and, thus, act accordingly. If I’m falling asleep at the dinner table, don’t talk to me about your stupid-ass day; my body language is telling you that I am tired so use your eyes, let them communicate with your brain, then pursue a course of action commensurate with that communication. Some of y’all so quick to talk about “people being up in their feelings” but can’t identify what they’re feeling for shit.
2. Street Harassment: Some women don’t know what this life is like. Um, congrats for your dedication to the burqa movement/my condolences for being grotesque. To the ladies that do… have you ever had a man honk his horn at you in traffic and felt like it was even semi-appropriate to approach the car and have a chat (trifling-ass birds need not respond)? The fact of the matter is, FELLAS, that catcalling me on the street or pursuing me during multiple train changes on the metro causes me to a) consider you a motherfucking creep who never gets any pussy and b) rule out any possibility of getting to know you because then I would be that chick that responds to creeps who never get any pussy. We all lose here. The thirsty man is always the last to drink.
(I made that up, but the shit totally sounds like it came from the New Testament.)
3. Inarticulate Emails to Multiple People: As someone in an organization of sorts, I receive many emails about various topics that lead to conversational threads of emails. Sometimes this isn’t an issue; the initial announcement just naturally spurs a conversation that is both informative and entertaining. MOST of the time, however, the thread is nonsense and fuckery because the initial email didn’t say all it needed to say. If you are going to email a mass of people, you should anticipate every question (from the astutest to the stupidest) and answer that motherfucker… or else all our inboxes are molested by threads about nothing. (Along the same vein, can y’all stop hitting “reply all” when you just mean to respond to the initial sender? Why the fuck am I privy to your stupid-ass conversation about something I wasn’t interested in from the jump?)
4. “Ugly Americans”: I cannot deal with Americans abroad who embody this stereotype. This is not to be confused with the “American tourist” stereotype of big camera, fanny pack, visor, and general cluelessness; that’s harmless. This is the American who revels in a foreign country’s stereotypes (positive and negative, generally the latter) and doesn’t see anything else. This is the American who feels that everyone should understand English because he shouldn’t have to learn a foreign language; this type of person generally frequents tourist traps and, thanks to blessed karma, pays dearly in American dollars for their desperation to hear English spoken somewhere. This is the American that makes you ask, “Why the fuck did you even bother coming here?”, and their very existence makes you ashamed of your own citizenship. (But I ain’t never renouncing that shit; to remix a Chris Rock joke: “Imma ride this American citizen thing out… see how far it takes me.”)
5. Gin: Why do you exist?
In an effort to pass the time at work & break up the grits & ass eating convos on my TL, I came up with the idea of doing a “5 Things I’m Not Here For “ challenge. If this works, I think it’ll be quite entertaining. All you have to do is list 5 things you’re not here for & why. Maybe you’re fed…